I come from a little different point of view than you are probably used to.
I’m not an abuser. I’ve never caused narcotics. So I’m not a drug abuser. I’ve never abused alcohol. I’ve gone years without drinking, simply because I just don’t care for it. So I’m not an alcohol abuser.
No, I am not an abuser.
I am the abused.
I lost my dad when I was 7. From there my mom got into a new relationship.. They became the abusers. From 7 years old to 20 years old that’s the picture I had painted for parent figures. 13 years. 13 years my siblings and I were beaten, starved and abandoned. Over and over and over again.
Every day that it happened, every time it happened, I grew harder. I grew colder.
I said, “I can’t wait to get away” “I love them, but I hate them” “I’ll never speak to them again”.
And that’s just what I did. At 20 I had my first daughter and stopped speaking to them. Cut them off.
I’d love to say they were shocked. They were blindsided. They had a revelation and they changed.
But they didn’t. They kept spiraling. They got worse. They ended up in jail. All while I raised my first baby girl, now with no grandma or grandpa from me to show her.
But do you know what happened? One day, things started to change. They stopped doing drugs. They stopped drinking.
They made a choice, and they changed.
They stopped abusing. It was their choice. No one forced it, no one gave them a life or death ultimatum. THEY made their decision.
Not once.
They made that decision every time they woke up in the morning. They made that decision day after day. They made that decision on those afternoons when they were tired. They made that decision when they were drained. They made that decision the they were bored, stressed and angry.
And they’ve continued to make that decision throughout every day of their lives.
To this day they continue to make that decision.
They got jobs. They got a home to call theirs. They got their grand babies back. They got me back.
Even though I said never, even though I said there’s no way. Even though I was so sure I was through with them.
My mom? She’s my best friend. She is an amazing grandmother to my children. She is everything I could ever want as a human being for my kids and for me.
I went years despising her. I went years without speaking to her.
Now I love her so much it hurts. I talk to her everyday on the phone while she gets ready for work. She calls me at every break, She calls me at every lunch. She calls me on every day off. We laugh together, we cry together and I tell her everything that’s on my mind because I trust her.
I trust her.
I love her and I actually trust her.
Even after all those years.
So to anyone struggling, to anyone who’s abusing, to anyone who thinks “Well I’ve already f*cked up so what else could I lose?” “What’s the point?”.
It’s not about losing anything anymore. It’s all about what you have to get back.
No one is too far gone.
No one is too far passed forgiveness.
So make that choice. Make it over and over and over again. You won’t ever regret it. And you deserve so much more than where you’ve been. So wake up. You have people waiting for you. Begging, pleading to God for you to make that choice.
You. Deserve. It.
– signed, the abused
